Norse burials

You might be suprised to learn that despite the image of vikings roaming the sea, killing and pillaging the english, irish and even the turks, they actually had a strong sense of traditions and culture.


They took extra care with what we call "Norse funeral". According to the icelandic sagas, norse poetry and one really REALLY lost arab guy, this was a combination of a funeral and a frat party from back in the earliest viking days when the men grew beards and women also grew beards. During this age (500-1200 ish), scandinavia was split between hundreds of tribes and petty kingdoms ruled by chieftains, kings, jarls, pretenders and whatever that was cool to call oneself back then.

But only the baddest of badass chieftains and kings would receive a burial befitting his badassery. Like having your very own viking ship as a tomb all for yourself, forever sailing the seas, being undead and terrorizing the pansies in england.

Every little boys dream.

Or that would be the case if not per tradition, they would set the boat out to sea and then burn it, because fuck your childhood dreams of bothering england again, dead man! But in reality, blazing ships on the sea rarely happened. Mostly it just stayed on land during the ordeal, since it's not like the dead king whos ship burning celebration they were holding could complain. And thus put it to the flames on land instead. Still is the best cremation ever though!

Believe it or not, as much killing and fighting vikings did (to others, that is), they actually feared and respected death, because if you were not to receive a proper burial, rites and rituals all, you would become a draugr (10+ strength zombie viking) just to fuck shit up as a way of saying "thanks a lot you lazy douchbags, look what you made me into because you forgot that one stone in the stone circle." and then proceed to pummel
everybody to death like the asshole undeads tend to be.

Of course, that won't stop YOU from slaying millions of them as if they were mudcrabs in Skyrim!

Thus, viking had a very delicate and complex ritual surrounding burial. First of, they would seal the dead away for 10 days whilst the women worked on new exquisite burial clothings for the king. Meanwhile, one or more of the thrall (slave) girls would volunteer to follow her master into the afterlife. Of course, the word "volunteer" is used very liberally.

Once the lucky girl were chosen, she got her very own tent, and was guarded more carefully than a muslim woman's virginity.

But unlike muslim women, the girl would get extremly wasted on alchohol every single day and night up until the she passed out waiting for the moment of her life.

Some things never change.

They would then drag the longship-soon-to-be-tomb upon the shore and let a wise woman do her ritual things, placing cushions and stuff, dressing the 10 days decayed chieftain in his fancy new expensive Gucci clothes and placed all his belongings in the capitans cabinet (weapons, food, alchohol. Everything you'll need for your next life in Vallhall).

Outside, the party had just started at the signal of two horses that would run themselves sweaty, before being brutally slaughtered and cut up. Probably as a big "Fuck you!" to PETA. Anyway, their meat tossed aboard the ship, and then they did some more brutal stuff, which includes slaughtering more animals, lethal sports such as tug o war over burning coal pits and other things that would make todays funerals much more awesome.

The drunken thrall lass were brought forth and now had her "15 minutes of spotlight", and like all girls who gets their 15 minutes, she slept with everybody in the entire village, still drunken beyond belief (again, some things never change). This was of course a part of the ritual. We can assume it was some seriously sexually frustrated dude who thought this part up.

"I just got this brilliant plan on how to finally lose my virginity!!"

She was then brought aboard the ship after being sore in every orifice she didn't know she had only to recieve another round of good old fashioned norse bukkake barrage from the 6 most favoured men of the chieftain (no, i will not post a picture of that) who then proceeded violently gangrape her. Meanwhile, the men outside would bang their shields to drown out the girl's screams, before she was killed by stabbing, strangling and what else they could think of to send her into the afterlife.

And then the big event finally happened. The boat was set on fire as the people watched solemnly.

After this gruesome scene followed by the burning ship, they did the only natural thing in the world, which was party as if there was no tomorrow. But then tomorrow came and they decided to party again as if the next day wouldn't come. For an entire 7 days, possibly because everybody was too drunk the previous days to remember anything.

And then have the worst hangover ever. Yep, nothings changed indeed.

Anyways, gangbangs, sacrifice and heavy intoxication was a very important part of the burial rites, less you want to wake up with a rotten undead fist to your face for not properly raping innocent slave girls to show your love for the big boss.

So yeah, those sky burials pretty much sucks in comparison.

Feel free to send me suggestions, point out errors as there probably are some or tell me how much you hate me for insulting (insert anything) which you like at

More at:

Back to main page

1 comment: